food writing your living: ten top tips from pro-journalist
you find yourself using the words 'moist' and 'succulent'
in your writing on a regular basis, improve your copy
by simply choosing another career.
After several years as a food writer, fool yourself
that you're not writing the same articles over and
over just with different names/places/things by drinking
heavily to impair your long term memory.
Make your self appear more interesting than you actually
are by developing an intensely nerdy obsession with
stupidly expensive coffee/tea/chocolate/insert-other-mundane-commodity-sold-in-tricked-up-packaging-to-idiots-for-a-fortune-here.
Delay indefinitely actually having to write anything
by accepting any and all invitations from PR companies
who want to pour cheap champagne down your throat
to distract you from the fact that the high-concept
Japanese/Serbo-Croatian fusion restaurant they're
trying to launch is obviously doomed to failure.
Practice your best rictus grin in front of the bathroom
mirror every morning - you never know when you might
next have to sit through an hour-long explanation
of 'ma cuisine' from a twenty-something chef who in
reality can't tell his artichoke from his elbow pasta.
the following phrases until you can insert them naturally
into a conversation:
'Oh God, I simply couldn't live without
'I get all my manioc flour from
this amazing deli in Arnos Grove'
'It tastes ok but the crema is very
'Supper clubs are so 2010'
to love the taste of Pot Noodle - that's all you'll
be able to afford on the money you make writing about
dealing with the demoralising daily round of pitches
ignored and rejected by unfeeling editors, remember
the words of Nietzsche who said, 'What doesn't kill
me makes me stronger'. Then recall that the Nazis
were quite fond of Nietzsche and find yourself a better
When reviewing restaurants, remember that trifling
matters like food, service and ambience are nothing
compared to your fascinating life and social circle.